Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
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horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
For when Tinder doesn’t work
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.