Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

You Might Also Like



Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …


First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching


Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.


Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.


“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.


Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.


If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉


I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.


A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.