@permawedgie

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

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@joeljeffrey

[Eating]

Waiter: How’s the meal?

Me: I dunno. Let me check

*pulls out phone

Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram

Waiter: …

@StruggleDisplay

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

@skillsmcgill

Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.

@LostFelicia

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

@ozzyunc

“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.

@joci2203

Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?

Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.

@antheanton

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

@CryitoutMom

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

@peachesanscream

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.