Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic