Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite