Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I鈥檓 not saying I鈥檓 a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn鈥檛 make it.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
This took me a second..
Them: I don鈥檛 like you.
Me:
i can鈥檛 stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i鈥檒l just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 馃槶馃槖馃ぃ FIRST OF ALL
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I never learned to swim because I didn鈥檛 think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don鈥檛 drink too fast you鈥檒l get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace鈥he had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from鈥he other woman鈥檚 boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don鈥檛 you go ahead and have a seat
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
M: that鈥檚
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old