Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.