Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her