Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I have no passwords left in me
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I can also cook 😂
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.