@ThatBrenna
@Godhatespants Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
You Might Also Like
@Godhatespants 
@smnthblk Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
@xennial_mom 4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
@JennSlowpez I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
@LostFelicia “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
@GianDoh Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
@Laser_Cat These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
@KalvinMacleod [Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
@ACartoonCat *first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
@Paxochka I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.