@ThatBrenna

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

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@Godhatespants

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

@smnthblk

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

@xennial_mom

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

@JennSlowpez

I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.

@LostFelicia

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

@GianDoh

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

@Laser_Cat

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

@KalvinMacleod

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

@ACartoonCat

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

@Paxochka

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.