Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
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Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.