Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
You Might Also Like
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Florida man
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?