HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
You Might Also Like
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.