Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
You Might Also Like
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?