Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
B: Notice anything different about me?
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed