Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Not😆🤣
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*