Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.