Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
It’s a gift
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.