Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Terribly Tuesday.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”