Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
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Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??