Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
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ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.