Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

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iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same


Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance


I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”


To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.


Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.


[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.


GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this


When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”


If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.