Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
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I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I have obtained a hat
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”