HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much