Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.