Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
I’ve had relationships like this
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My purse is deeper than some people.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not