Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Meanwhile in Portland…
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo