him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
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My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
how high up are we talkin’?
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels