Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
These aren’t even hard anymore.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Strangers have the best candy.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.