Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
You Might Also Like
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line