Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.