Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!