Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Something Saturday.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?