Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
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Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener