Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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accurate
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
This dude got his own movie?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag