HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
the red hot silly peppers
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Seems legit
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Brother?
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
some cats are just doing for fun!
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one