him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
relationship goals
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.