Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs