Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
car not found
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore