Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
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FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.