Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
No way!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.