Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
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I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I feel it
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.