Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
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British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
im 7 sauces long
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
me irl
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?