Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie