Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Breaking news:
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.