Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
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How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Pass gas, not judgment.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping