Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
went fishing caught a bass
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’