Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
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Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
when the buffet is more honest than your date
⛄️