HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
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Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Buck naked
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.