Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher