Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
my friends when i can’t do basic math
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
sir, my pâté if you please
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive