Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
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Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
He’s dead
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
When you’ve simply given up.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
three things we don’t talk about
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
synchronized noseblowing
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?