@Megatronic13

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

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@iwearaonesie

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

@AbbyHasIssues

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

@Briidashian

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

@gitson_shiggles

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

@PJTLynch

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

@TitansHomer

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

@dogfather

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going