Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
fr
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’