Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Monica just destroyed the internet
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
adding to the discourse
the prophecies have been fulfilled