Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
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Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?